Ego, Childlike behavior

With Kundalini, ego is reduced and I am conscious of this.
It is not that I can't talk hard about others or feel proud of my accomplishments etc. but I can feel the pain that is associated with such a behavior.
Hence, anything apart from what is natural makes it unbearable.

I had been to a restaurant few weeks back, where one of them was talking how great her husband was, the property they owned and the
international trips they make every year. I couldn't bear these words. With Kundalini and loss of ego, you can't accept anything but natural.
Inside you there is this something which doesn't make you touch artificiality.

With loss of ego, you do not know what you are talking about. You become like a child. There is innocence.
Even if you scold someone, it will be not out of ego or revenge but pure play.
There is no attachment to the action as you feel disconnected with the external situation and are always watching the movie that is inside you
I don't remember much of what I did yesterday. I can't carry the past impressions about any person whom I have already met when I talk to him today.
And once in a while, you get this feeling of playing or acting in a game as everything becomes of no use.
I don't remember much not because my memory is bad but because I am dedicated to the movie inside.

The whole life one is looking for happiness, and lo if it is with you always, in a way that you can't understand that you are in it.
I constantly push myself to be in this world and act in this world as it makes me utterly stupid.

Once I was in a class and there was so much bliss in me. The attendance sheet came to me and I couldn't remember my signature.I just happened to sign automatically.
Guess what, the sign looked beautiful and new. But it was the same signature I had been doing.
Kundalini cleans up everything. The memories, the impressions, the notions, our likes, dislikes.
It makes me a new person everyday. I don't carry the impressions of yesterday nor can I think much about the emotional level details of something that happened yesterday.

Its a cleanup. The stare into nothingness. But this look into nothingness is not void. It is with immense activity. It is with immense joy and bliss.
This void is silence, bliss and with tremendous activity.

The Process in me

I have been having these energy swirls over the head for an year now and more.
In the initial days, the chakras would swirl as the energy moved from the feet to the head.
Later, the energy would move only from the base of the spine to the top of head and chakras would still spin ( esp during first 5 mins of sleep at night)
Now, the energy moves from the base of the spine to the top - no more swirling - no more chakra movement.
Atleast for 6 months, I felt tired because of the force on the head - doing its activity and putting me in bliss and I spent
more number of hours in sleep and had to stop thinking and maintain silence otherwise.
I never had any pain, it was only pressure. This energy puts you into a bliss which is indescribable.

You might become a spiritual bum wanting more of this bliss.
After few days, the energy makes you silent - you can sense the deep silence.
In my experience, I have to be consciously with the energy always, noticing its movement in the head.
I wouldn't tell that I am driving the movement, but I need to be constantly watching it or else pressure develops.
I have been doing this for the past months automatically and it is like staring into nothingness.
The energy from the inside makes you still and you just sit staring - without thoughts - and then bliss comes over.

To summarize,

There is an energy in my head,
Which wants me to consciously watch it day and night,
It does its work and I just observe it,
When I forget it, it becomes pressure in my head.

But when observed, I enter into a thoughtless state,
I soon forget that I am observing that,
It does its work and I am centered when I watch it,
Then my mind moves with it, "I" move with it, "I" become it.

Then the bliss comes over, the divine madness dawns,
I can't stay without repeating the name of the lord,
I can't stay without watching some divine music videos,
Its purity and is bliss, I can't think but have to stay still.

I just stay still and become mad - there is bliss but I can't catch it !
It is so elusive, it gets into the temples and teases it,
It is the super massage therapy on your brain,
You become mad again - there is bliss but I can't catch it !

White light

Today, the current started off at the spine in the evening. It actually hit a midpoint in the spine and made me sit straight. I sat straight and sat for an hour. While observing the energy, I could perceive crystal clear white light point. The white light is like a tip of the needle, circular and shining.I could perceive it may be 4s longer than I could do it anytime before.

After the meditation, I walked down to the restroom and while peeing just saw the black round holes in the basin and shifted my attention. Projected on the wall was a replica of this image of holes but the holes didn't remain dark anymore but filled with white light. This has always happened to me.

I don't know if I am that light or if the light is just present inside me.

Happiness !

There is no happiness in this world. When we get some money, we want more money. When we get more money we want much more. Everyone needs fame. Each and everyone needs to prove himself. He needs to have a car, a palace, branded shirts, what not.

When I was young, I thought that if I studied well then I would get a good job and I would be happy. Once I got a job, I wanted to be the best in performance and spent around 12 hours at work and got the best promotions but was not happy. Someone told that if you do an MBA from a top notch business school, then you would end up in top notch positions and life would be a 'bed of roses'. I strived hard and got into this top notch business school and as I am about to graduate in a month, I don't think I am still happy. Because, I haven't got the top notch offer. Life is always a challenge.

I have not found happiness in any of these before from my internal bliss. It is that which is obtained regardless of anything else in the world. The happiness is inherent. It is the one with which one can forget everything else in this world. Everything else in this world!

Silence !

In the past few days, I thought of not thinking about anything. Neither Kundalini, nor God and then truly analyse in a layman's language my current state. The only answer for this is Silence. The current state is Silence. When you maintain silence, then the current in the body streams up and becomes an aligned flow. Over time, it becomes strong and drags your attention towards it. When you start focussing on it or when your attention gets abided in it, then bliss flows. This is the exact flow. Hence, Silence is what is needed. The state is best expressed by silence.

It is silence. Nothing else can teach this state.

Ecstatic Bliss

I am having ecstatic bliss at this moment. The energy in the brain is very erotic. It is like there are two energy sticks inserted in both the temples of my brain and enticing me to enjoy. Oh! what a bliss. Oh! what an ecstasy. I am having it like for 2 hours continuously now. At times, the waves of devotion come in. I cant control the bliss and just repeat "Om Namo Narayana" so as to control the bliss/ecstasy. But this doesn't control. It is just an escape path to reduce the bliss, but that doesn't reduce.

It is like I have left my entire life into the hands of this energy. I cant be anything without this. What an ecstasy !!

Jobs !

I am sad again today that I left all the opportunities that are available and selected a job on the first day. I had very good opportunities ahead but still I do not know as to why selected this job. On the day of the job, the energy put me into such a bliss as always that all companies looked the same and all jobs the same. Hence, I was like why should not I work with this company. If at all I have left all the great opportunities it is because of this energy that puts me into a bliss and doesn't leave much for me.

I have left everything for it. I have lost all the great opportunities, the companies that I wanted to be in. I have left everything. It makes me feel sad that great opportunities that flow before me, but I am not allowed to apply. This is not fair.
Life is not always fair. I cant apply to these companies as I took the offer on the first day.

Oh God, just because I have been thinking of you all my years along, is this the gift that I get from you. I am really sad that I have lost all the opportunities.Please help me God. I know that you are testing me but I can't take this anymore. I can't take this anymore. You were the one who showed me an opportunity to get into this great school. It is all futile!